Friday, December 14, 2007

If you're up there, save me, Superman!

I m sic of teh Jesus!

Really. I am. I thought I'd make it my Facebook status today, but I have some friends (and family) who actually love the Jesus. So I'm going to say it here, because as far as I can tell, none of my friends or family actually read this.

I have almost made the acquaintance of two strangers who saw fit to comment on my last blog, particularly about my remarks on Aqsa and her father, Muhammad, but I don't think they're regulars, or anything like that.

So, once again, I am sick of the Jesus.

First of all, it's Christmas. And though Christmas has ceased to actually be about Christ anymore (it has a lot to do with stuff, I understand), there's still a lot of the Jesus-freakness happening. Mostly from the States. They're all up in my atheist face with their Jesus. I don't get this much Jesus from my wife, for god's sake (pardon the pun). It's mostly the war on Christmas guys, and although I find them entertaining, they need to quit it. Christmas isn't going anywhere. If you actually gave a shit about Christmas, you'd have stopped it from turning into this orgy of consumption and gone to church instead. I understand the root of the word "Christmas" is "Christ+Mass".

I thought that meant the Jesus 'n Church.

To be fair, I like stuff, and I can't get enough of beating up Jews (KIDDING!), and there's the whole too much food & alcohol aspect to this holiday that you just can't beat. But enough with the Jesus. It's not really his birthday anyway.

I'm also sick of the US presidential candidates out-Jesusing each other. What's the matter with that country? There's the whole guns thing, and then the oil thing (no moral high ground here, I'm just sayin', is all), and the Iran thing (not that Iran seems like fun, but c'mon), and then to top it all off, the Jesus thing. Mormons love Jesus, but not as much as Huck loves Jesus. And Jesus would't like illegal immigrants, and there's no way in hell he's be for socialized medicine. And also, Jesus hates atheists. They're not fit for public office. Because Jesus was a big fan of the government. Render unto Caesar, he used to say. I think he said it on the cross. Magdalene asked, "Are you upset?" and Jesus said, "Naw. After all, one must render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. But I'd sure like to know why God has forsaken me." And Mary Magdalene walked away, confused, and went to Seder.

I like when world leaders are chosen because they understand shit like economics, rudimentary science, international politics, and how to speak in complete sentences. When you give a guy access to nuclear weapons, I want to be sure that he's not anxiously awaiting the end of the world, so that Jesus comes back. And if he likes Israel, I want to know that it's because he wants Jews to have a homeland, and not becuase the prophesies say that Israel is a prerequisite for Armageddon.

While I'm on the subject, I'd like to kick John the Divine's ass for making the omens of the second coming the same as the effects of climate change: plague, pestilence, drought, mass extinctions, and war. "We're fucking up the atmosphere! Praise Jesus! It's the rapture!"


And finally, I just saw a few minutes of the film, Superman Returns. It wasn't that good. And then there was the Jesus thing. He comes from the sky, to save mankind. Then he gets stabbed in the side. And then he dies. And then a few days later, he comes back to life, visits a few friends, and promises to come back someday.

I think I've heard that before.

So Jesus, do me a favour. Give it a rest for a while. Or come back and shut us all up.


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